19 august 2004

Late night with the awful rocking out. I think I'm a relatively atrocious karaoke singer, BUT I CANNOT RESIST IT. I love all you guys for staying and not like, covering your ears and stuff when I got all into Say It Ain't So. It coulda been pretty, but I was too... NEEDING TO YELL IT. I'll sing a pretty song next time.

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I got a kiss tonight from a soft mouth that had ice in it and it melted into me.

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"We like one another. I want to make you know about sex and have thrilling climaxes--not let you learn about it by being mauled by some brutal man. We are doing nothing wrong. We are not Lesbians like those awful freaks who cut their hair and wear mannish clothes. We are two women who adore eachother."

From Valley of the Fuckin' Dolls, dude. Mock if you must, but I am madly and passionately in love with the sweet innocence of being a beautiful perfect girl in the forties and looking at the life you were supposed to lead and saying "This is not enough-- I want something more."

(PLEASE, give IN to the sentiment, and disregard the cheese curl way with which I have expressed it. If I were cooler, I would just use a sharpie on the dirty bathroom wall at Lenny's and write "GET OUT OF THE SYSTEM. IT DESTROYS LIVES.")

Hahaha, I also like that Miss Exotic Spanish Maria up there pronounces Lesbian with a captial L. That's just how it WAS in the forties, y'all. They also smoked a lot of cigarettes, even the pretty porcelain ones did. At least they didn't wear MANNISH CLOTHES, though, of course.

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Someone sweet was talking to me last weekend about boys and relationships and sex and insanity, and brought up how I have some serious issues with boys right now. In that I have this uncovered and unresolved anger at their whole little goddamn gender. JKR made comments in her latest reading about the girls falling for the bad boys (don't love DRACO, he will never make you happy, or even CARE if you are!), and advised young girls everywhere about the merits of the "nice guy." But I feel like being a bitch to every guy I meet, and it makes me cry for the nice guys. If I'm hanging out with an asshole, at least I know he can handle his shit when she's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel, but she can do as she pleases.

(I'm currently operating under the assumption that this is a phase. The Billy Joel and the desire to hurt boys' heads.)

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You know what's kinda crazy? I absolutely fucking love my job. I get in real bad funks sometimes about the fact that I am not a nose-to-the-monitor, I will figure this out if it kills me, determined programmer girl. I'm a slacker, and I'm not always exceptionally good at what I'm doing, and it makes me feel inadequate sometimes. But there is not much like the thrill of making THINGS HAPPEN WITH YOUR BRAIN.

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It is possible now, that I am going to lay down and try to read Ulysses. In the same way that I dislike having to memorize openings to be really good at chess, I feel as if using the annotations will take some of the fun out of it for me. I'm just gonna flow a little with the language, I'll letcha know how it goes.

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Goddammit. I hate the lyrics posting assholes too, but I'm drunk, give me a break.

your pulse is getting quicker
oh captain badass, I am setting your heart on fire
so when you leave me
I will burn on in your soul

we get no second chance in this life will you stand up for your one chance?

this can't last
what can last?

And I suppose

--Songs: Ohia

xoxo,
m

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