3.03am
Wednesday
15 December 2004
I fooled around with a boy and went gaga for him, but it was strictly understood as a one-night gig, and I couldn't let him know how I felt. This was a long time ago, and I fell in love easily because during that year, I had no friends, no tv, no computer, and not even a phone. I could feel myself getting stranger by the day, and more and more unable to talk to other people. I was desperately lonely. He was a singer in a band. He made me a compilation of songs he thought I would like, titling it "The Organizer" because each piece had keyboard in it. He made the insert with green construction paper and magazine cut-outs.
I found out he was moving to N.Y., so I went by his apartment to wish him good luck. Nobody was home, but his door was unlocked. I ran back to my place, only a few streets away, and found the dress I had worn when we met. I cut the fabric into a hundred little hearts, and ran back to his apartment.
I was going to just dump the hearts on floor, but then I saw an umbrella sticking out of one of the packing crates, and I had a better idea. I slipped my stash of hearts into the umbrella. If he remembered the dress, which was unlikely, he wouldn't see its new cut until the next rain in N.Y.
-z
I am too tired to write Christmas cards or knit or finish putting multitudes of cookies that have already been made into tins. I am tired in the face of thinking I will never be able to make a difference in the world like Frodo and Sam. And that I will never fall in love with someone to such an extent that I would give up everlasting life for them. I just don't think I have the capacity for that kind of love. I want to, but I don't know if that's something that you can bring about in yourself, or if I really even would want to. One of the guys in snowden hit on me today, and used the words "quite smitten," which are frosting on my little rockstar fetish cake.
Gah, and those fuckers have Christmas music on their site for me that is pretty AND rockin. But rockstars are never REALLY prone to dramatic gestures. The are too busy trying to be cool.