1 september 2004
"There is no such thing as love, the way you talk about it. You'll only find that kind of love in cheap movies and novels."
--Valley of the Dolls
Why the hell am I so disappointed in people lately? I just want people to be REAL and INTERESTING and INTELLIGENT and FUN and NICE TO ME. How come it is not possible to find people with all of these characteristics in one package? If they are intelligent in the way that they have intriguing thoughts and good taste in depressing music and are open-minded about life, they cannot fucking spell. If they are articulate in verbal and written communication, they do not think about anything deeper in life than GAH, FUCKING BULLSHIT. If they are fun and funny and entertaining, and also can talk about things that MATTER and are REAL, then they live far away and/or are married and/or I feel intimidated by them, because I don't think I am really very funny or clever in my day-to-day communication. But, for real, how are there intelligent and well-spoken people in the world that trick me into thinking they are interesting and cool people, when in fact they have not given a second thought to what... the hell the point of it all is.
In the past year (or more, I think ever since I saw LEGALLY BLONDE, oh, Reese Witherspoon, you tricky vixen), I have explored the idea of giving in to my more superficial nature, and while it has been liberating and fun to be honest with myself in knowing I am an unbelievably fabulous girl and in making fun of people who are ugly or stupid, I fear that I am losing the part of me that maybe thought about things aside from fame and fortune. And by fame and fortune, I really just mean the glamour of money and sexiness, because other than those aspects of it, I don't care too much about fame. And I haven't even been able to suppress my seek-out-"real-people" need enough to fuck some rich doctor who'd lavish me with expensive jewelry, so what the hell is the point?
Heh. So I guess by "disappointed in people," I really mean "disappointed in myself," huh?
I wonder if my ability to really enjoy a good cry is at all related to some people's obvious sense of some sort of pleasure from pitching a complete psychotic fit. Obviously, the feeling of horrible trauma and wanting to rip all my hair out because life is so goddamn hard and sad sometimes is not something FUN, something to do for a lark, but it is nice to feel strong and true emotions, and know that I am not an automaton who slides through life at a consistently even keel.
I was about to type, "But crying doesn't HURT other people like yelling does," but realized that that's not true. I have surely used crying to let other people know that what they're doing sucks, in the same way other people use yelling.
But that's why I try to hide it whenever I cry. It is a good thing there is no one else in the office right now. Goddamn fucking girl bullshit.