mmmarilyn

11.38am
Monday
13 June 2005

We were full of the stuff that every dream rested
As if floating on a lumpy pillow sky
Caught up in the whole illusion
That dreams never pass us by
Came to a tattoed conclusion
That the big one was knocking on the door

--Norah Jones, New York City

Happy birthday to my brother! Little Sladie is 22 now, like he's grown up or something.

• × • × • × •

What do people use to make them happy? I think it primarily consists of three different viewpoints, which are sometimes juxtaposed into various combinations. Most people use all three at least a little:

Things. Not many people admit to using the possession of Things to make them genuinely happy, but surely most people do at least every once in a while, and if television and the mall are any example, the average person does this regularly. Due to very smart (but also thrifty) parents, I strongly resisted the pinning of any kind of long-term pleasure on the acquisition of Things, and was filled with contempt and disdain throughout my adolescence for those people who made it any kind of priority.

At around the time of the conclusion of my engagement, I began to feel a strong sense of guilt for the pleasure that I would get from Things like fancy restaurants and also from the epitome of Shiny Things, the ring I was about to stop wearing. My new association with miss Elise, who shamelessly expressed her ability to use men for their money, opened my eyes a little bit to the fact that crude material fulfillment is fucking fun sometimes, and guilt can sometimes be entirely unworthwhile.

I've recently realized that while there is nothing wrong with finding some happiness in the inherent goodness of Shiny Things and New Things and Fun Things that naturally will occur in your life, there is a very bad cycle that will generate from the seeking out of Things for the primary goal of making you happy if you are not already.

Accomplishments. Ambition is difficult, as it is on the whole meant to create create feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction with the current status. The theory is, though, that the rewards are proportional to the effort; no pain, no gain, or something like that. The happiness and satisfaction that results from Accomplishments seems to last in a much more long-term fashion than that from Things, but that may be because one is constantly in search of bigger and better Accomplishments, and the ones that take a long time to achieve are apparently worth something in the quest for more.

In that way (the desire for moremoremore), I have difficulty seeing the strength of using Accomplishments for happiness fulfillment over Things. Accomplishments seem to say something about your abilities, which is nice to rely upon when you're feeling down, but in those times, rarely are any of the goals successfully achieved big enough to suit the mythical levels of your potential.

People and Relationships. Surely we've all heard that these are the only things that can bring lasting happiness. I don't really believe this for a second, primarily because I am incredibly wary of relying upon other People for anything, much less for my state of mind.

Do friendship and love require a certain level of dependence?

It is a component of trust, I suppose.

It's a little sad for me to think about how difficult that is.

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