6.04pm
Monday
14 March 2005

Press me up against a fence outside
Fill my mouth with kisses

--Button Happy, "The Cupcake Song"

I've tried to start an entry about a dozen times now, and I'm not sure what's causing my block. I had a pretty wonderful weekend, with lots of time to appreciate the beautiful weather, and lots of really fun encounters with people I like. I have a pretty picture or two that I may show you in a few days. Elena and I bought Eurail passes last night. The days are getting longer and lovelier.

I don't even know if the problem is that I want a boyfriend, because god knows that boyfriends make me angry and unlike myself in a lot of ways. I think the fatal flaw in my head right now is this painful loneliness, even though I have so many friends in my life right now that I adore, and so many fun things to keep me occupied, and there are so many aspects of my life that have fulfillment that I didn't even expect of my life a few years ago. It is so inexplicable to me that I can't even begin to think of a solution. I've been long saying that I'm just envious of the madly in love—so much so that I am completely contemptuous of the idea of settling for anything that is just satisfying and comforting.

But even at the points in my life when I remember being the most head over heels, I always had doubts and fissures in the certainty of never-ending, of course. I just remember things with a rosy tint. And go about with the assumption of it. Maybe I should just give in to a depressive fit for a bit, and then I'll be better equipped to see what needs fixing. But I don't know how well-suited I will be to return to my happiness, at that point.

And depressive fits are for 16-year-olds, anyway.

Maybe I'll just go on an alcoholic mad girl binge.

• × • × • × •

Things on the to-do-tonight agenda: finish secret projects. Gather the books I'd like to have here in the office. Watch end of documentary. Test USB keychain drive. Respond to lingering emails. Eat enchiladas. Go swimming?

<<< ||| >>>