4.51pm
Wednesday
2 November 2005

Winter is setting in in a real way that I can feel in my bones, now that it's getting dark before I even start thinking about leaving the office. I'm not ready at all for that aspect of winter: the part that means my fingers and guts are cold and want to cry just a little bit.

Winter reminds me of the lump in my belly that feels just like a lump in the back of my throat. It's heavy, and I feel burdened with the responsibility of making my own life mean something hot enough to warm me up.

I've pulled myself in a lot of different directions lately, and each one is exciting, but I feel like I'll never get to any of them while I'm bogged down with vaguely and half-heartedly living my life. And then I beat myself up a little, because I live my life with far more FULL-heartedness and excitement and intensity than many many people, and I should probably be grateful at least that I can do that.

The thing about winter that makes me happy is the pristine whiteness of snow or cold icy raindrops on girls' eyelashes. But they are not very far from tears.

I should probably change the thing that makes me happy to include curling up in front of fireplaces, but I don't think I have any fireplaces in my life.

• × • × • × •

Tonight I'm going out to a birthday dinner to nibble on delicious Italian food with people I love, and I anticipate that it will be warm and homey, and will make me feel at least a little bit better.

Happy birthday to the beautiful Ms. Zappia-Woods!

• × • × • × •

I left my phone at home. While I am a little worried about the last stragglers who may want to see the film tonight trying to get in touch with me, I hope they don't hate me that it's kinda nice to be mysteriously elusive and disconnected from the world right this second. I worry a little bit about myself that I may end up liking that disconnection too much and hold onto it too tightly and too long.

<<< ||| >>>