9.30am
Monday
17 October 2005
as it burned to the end
I thought of the boy
no one could ever forget
shouldn't hurt me to be free
it's what I really need
to pull myself together
but if it's so good being free
would you mind telling me
why I don't know what to do with myself
--Emiliana Torrini, "To Be Free"
Friday: I feel reinvigorated about work. I adore Friday afternoons. I realize that even if I don't always love actually doing work, and actually being entrenched in problems and confusion, the sense of accomplishment and relief that follows always has the potential to make up for it. I fear the rollercoasters of self-image might one day get too scary, but for now, I am prepared to revel in them.
I work late and then am off to Athens in Shaggz's moonroofed vehicular transport of Purple Rain and Explosions in the Sky.
I get to see my favorite guys, my bros. They feed me hunch punch and good music and doughnuts and pictures from long long ago.
I don't really have control over my thoughts and emotions as much as I pretend that I do.
• × • × • × •
Saturday: The most beautifully fun and happy and carefree wedding I've ever attended. I say right before the ceremony that I'm sure Berny and Carri will keep it all light-hearted enough to keep me from bawling, but for one thing, they don't always, and for another, the joyous light-heartedness, the giggly intensity of the Hollywood dipped now-you-may-kiss-the-bride, the true smiles: they hit me with the force of a truck ever so full of life and love.
• × • × • × •
Sunday: A day I've needed for a long time, one of waking up early and just doing things I need to do to have my bearings in the world. The beautiful weather stretching out for hours and hours of shiny unscheduled daytime fills me with giddiness and I remember a bit about the awesome feeling I had about my life right after I graduated and it seemed like the world was laid at my feet and I could do anything I wanted: anything, including ignoring the lure of ambition and the desire for more more more success and instead simply ricochetting around barefoot and enjoying the feel of cool grass between my toes and realizing that that is the feeling of success.