10 February 2006
On Fri, Feb 10, 2006 at 12:23AM, mike weaver wrote:
> I sent your check off in the mail today. Sorry about the
> delay, it was chaos when I got to hollywood.
> Since it seems that you never intend to respond to my last e
> mail. I thought I would write a parting statement.
> I did not stop talking to you because of any of the
> reasons that you suggested. The interaction was not too
> intense. You were not too crazy. The distance was not too
> Quite the opposite. Your constant vacillations made you seem
> far too tepid for me.
> I would have gone anywhere and done anything for you, if
> only you had been truly and madly in love. In love enough to
> tell your friends to go to hell and that you would form your
> own opinion about me. I opened all the doors for you to come
> into my life and see the truth for yourself.
> Just so you know, the final straw was when ( after your
> weekend with Matt) you asked, " you are not actually divorced
> yet, right? As if I were playing you.
> Real love; intense and earthshaking love that means
> everything would have no room for these indecisive,
> phlegmatic thoughts.
> I have not closed the door on you, my feelings for you were
> and are real, but they are not a prize that I would give away
> easily. I am looking for bravery not benign, half hearted,
> hesitant pursuits.
> When you called to tell me that you had thought about coming
> over in the middle of the night, All I could think was, why
> didn't you?
> When your friends would tell you rumors, all I could think
> was why didn't you tell them to Shut Up! That you would find
> out the truth for yourself!
> I have had enough placid, hesitant relationships. My heart
> belongs to the girl with the courage and tenacity to come
> after if full of terrible resolve, the kind that most people
> only read about in fairy tales.
I've been getting up the courage and motivation to write you a real handwritten letter in response to your parting, but perhaps this is easier.
The last email you sent that had any real content was back when we were debating whether or not corporations could have any merit. I could certainly elaborate for you upon why I think cool companies like Google and Pixar (and my current one!) are worthwhile places to work, not necessarily as a final goal to your life dreams, but certainly as a stepping stone for as much. Being surrounded by people who have been searched and selected out as the best is something that takes a lot of effort as an individual, and is much easier for an enterprising coalition of people who have decided that just because they want to work together on something and create something incredible through the combination of power: that does not make them evil, nor does it mean that they are not each accomplishing their own personal goals. They will leave and figure out ways to accomplish them, if they are not. But if, in the meantime, you can work on interesting problems, get rewarded handsomely in a materialistic sense, and enjoy the life perks that a posh and elite company, so to speak, might offer, I see no reason to eschew that shortcut. It doesn't mean you're giving up on your dreams, or missing out on a more thorough educational experience just because it's easier.
I could certainly believe that you think that the harder way IS the more thorough educational experience, though. Maybe it's different for different people, and maybe it's different depending on what you're looking for out of life. I think I might be too hedonistic to go out of my way for a painful and arduous challenge, unless I'm certain that it will pay off.
I suppose that cuts to the heart of everything else as well; despite a usually careful, precise and overly analytical existence, I fell madly in love with the idea of taking a real risk on love, head over heels obsession, magical love at first sight. And you're certainly an impressive enough person that despite barely knowing each other, I was able to rest upon first impressions, and a comment you made that hit my romance neurons exactly right, at exactly when I was most uncertain: "I still think that True Lovepassion, friendship, eternitythe whole packageis possible."
I so badly wanted to believe that, and I was so worried it would never happen. Could never happen for me, and certainly must not then for anyone else. It's rare to find someone with that kind of idealism, and of course I was drawn to it. And I tried not to think of this as a factor, but certainly the chemical imbalances in our heads played a part. I didn't think that they could detract from what might later be something more solid and stable, but I do think both of us were relying upon the idea that our "magical" connection was built on something more than neurotoxins and polite small talk that newly introduced people engage in. And of course both of us have an intensity and love of life that comes through, even in a first meeting, but especially in a first meeting while rolling off the edges of sanity.
Maybe that could have been enough, or should have been. But of course you're right that I vacillated; but don't pretend that you did not. When I asked about details about the divorce, it was because both Matt and my mother had asked me, and I had nothing to tell them but the fact that I trusted you. Of course that was enough for me, but how can I ask my mom to rely upon that, to take me at my word, not to worry about the fact that I had zero substantiating details? I had, before that, not asked you once about anything related to the fact that you were still married. Hype up the fairy tale all you want, but it's not incredibly romantic for me to wearily drive forty miles for comfort that I may or may not be able to find knocking on the back window of the house that a man bought with his wife and son.
There were and are so many differences in the contexts of our lives, and in the ways we dealt with them. Maybe we could have overcome them; maybe I should have fought harder to; but what I wanted was something that was not hard, something that felt simple and straightforward and true through and through. Did it for you? It came in waves with me, but as the days passed, the waves were more low and full of doubt. You can't blame me for the heaviness in my heart placed there every time I realized that there would have to be compromise and that there would be difficult struggles and that maybe I didn't have the strength.
I think that real love is not so strong it drowns out uncertainties; it is between people who trust and understand eachother so thoroughly that they can rest in a kind of certainty that is based on the part of life that is solid and real.
And of course I do still think it's possible.
One day we will both find it, and I will be ecstatic and exhilarated for us all to meet and catch up and hopefully it'll be in New York.