4:19AM
Saturday
[late fri. night]
11 March 2006
To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
—Emily Dickenson
You want to hear something crazy? I really think the craving for excitement, the geographical restlessness, the seemingly irrational desire to vacate the premises of a life I love for something for which I have no safety net—I guess once it's phrased like this, you may already guess what I'm about to say, what the point of it all is, the desire to take some sort of risk with my life (but couched in the armor of arduous practicality)—it's all because of the construct in my head that there are so many challenges we place before ourselves in life, we give ourselves these goals and these guilt complexes over certain kinds of happinesses we can grant and certain things we must resist or ration or control, because when we succeed, when we overcome these immense obstacles, it's satisfying and it's addictive.
When I attempt to lose control, when I drink too much, when I drift through the world carelessly for too many days, when I behave like an impetuous child and know I will rue the day afterwards (the day, it will be rued): I continue to hold onto a safety release cord from some place separate. If I take a smart gamble, if I give up the safety release in calm waters, will it be less of a thrill if it pays off? Am I just in denial about the enormous tidal waves behind me and to the left? Am I just overconfident enough that I scoff at them, secretly hoping I get pulled down by an undertow, just so I can fight it without any odds in my favor, and prove something to myself?
Is it scary that I don't know whether the thing I have to prove is bullshit? Is it scary that I don't know yet whether the obstacles are artificial or psychological or perhaps actually even tangible?
Is it absurd to feel like I have too much control sometimes? Is it absurd that I'm then shocked into meaninglessness by the recognition that I can barely control my own brainwaves and how the fuck do I expect the physical world to be affected by that?
I think it's at least a wee bit amusing that I have created an entire magnitude of circumstances all to allow myself the dramatic decision, the careless toss aside of the safety with the chin held high and without looking back, but these circumstances are all built in the attempt to make it impossible for me to hold on, to trick me into giving it up without thinking too hard.
I think too much and too long.
• × • × • × •
A nice night with Bo and Beth, and a fun touch of Ert; they all charm me with their humor and wit. Exciting news twice today, but for once in my goddamn life I'm going to hold my cards close to my chest.