5 jul 16 - morning

Missed journal reminders over the holiday weekend, until last night, when I went to bed and was closing my eyes already by 9p when the reminder came.

One memory I'd like to capture:

Pool time on Sunday afternoon, girls in puddle jumpers so they could swim in a way on their own, get "down" from my arms, jump in the air with help, climb on the stairs without constant hovering attention. Bo got in the water in new aviators and swimsuit, Jayne holding all the babies, EB and Franklin and Wyatt and Elliott playing with water guns too, and jumping and spinning around on floats. It was just such sun-soaked joyous hour or two. I realized in the moment how perfect it was, how much fun everyone was having, especially my two sweet girls, and almost brought myself to happy tears, and am doing so now, again. How odd that they probably won't remember it, and how special that I still will.


5 jul 16 - evening

Back to work today and somewhat hectic, yet I think I remained calm somewhat well. I aspire to be busy but calm. Level-headed. Less easily frazzled and frustrated. Put-together and with-it. Cool and collected but excelling and exceedingly competent.

Sometimes I wonder whether my desire to stomp my feet like a child is something innate or I've cultivated it in various ways. I certainly don't tend to give a shit what other people think about some aspects of me, like my desire to say what I mean. Or my willingness to dump a drink on someone who I think deserves it. I haven't done that in a while. I dunno. I'd like to FEEL more even-keeled sometimes, I think, but then I also LOVE my ability to feel things so intensely and be so happy to be alive and getting hugs from my girls and also to be able to cry cry cry over what happened in Orlando almost a month ago -- how was it so long ago already? I don't know what to do about my strong emotions over it, I just don't. The helplessness, the sadness over the political divide, it's all just too big, especially since it's time for me to go get dinner ready for tomorrow.