Easier to write here, I don't know what I need to get out, I don't know who I'm avoiding by writing here instead, I just know that I feel like there's a flood of thought in my head that I haven't been getting out.

I do need to get to sleep, so perhaps this cannot become the long rambling that I need to do and want to; I feel as if I haven't written here or anywhere much Truth in ages. I see what I wrote months ago, and the way I could express what I was feeling, and I haven't been capable of doing that for awhile. I'm always so fucking predisposed to being concerned about what people think. I don't know why and it pisses me off. When people continue to talk about people they're upset at, it makes me think, obviously, you're not over this. You keep bringing it up, when the only thing I want to do with someone I don't want to deal with anymore is not deal with them in the physical world or in my thoughts. I don't want to have to keep reanalyzing how I feel about them, and if I think they did something wrong, and if I am to blame for something. I am very sick of worrying about what I may have done wrong, what other people may configure as something I am to blame for, what I am flawed because of.

Most of these types of worries are brought about by the ill will that goes on right now between K and me, which I obviously don't care very much about in the sense that I need any type of relationship with him anymore, but I suppose that it does bother me that someone that I cared so much about at one point could be so disgustingly abrasive to me now, so incredibly an asshole. I think a lot of the upsetting me is a result of the fact that it just proves that I have poor judgement of people that I could consider him to be a relatively decent person, someone I could live with for years, when in fact he has such tremendous issues with females that he can't even comprehend right and wrong, and can't even be rational about shit.

For example. I was going to go over to his house briefly a week ago, in order to get back a lot of Beth's stuff which was still sprawled about his car and apartment. I figured that I should at least call first and make sure he was home, but I didn't figure it should be an issue, I'd just come, get her stuff, leave. We had decided a few nights before that it would be a good idea not to have to talk or see eachother again, considering the fact that I had nothing else that I wanted to say to him, and I certainly had no desire to hear any of his bullshit anymore. So I call, he answers, I say: I'm coming over to get Beth's stuff. He doesn't say a word. Okay? I ask, and he says, no. Not really. I'm like, Um, hmm? Can you not even see me anymore? I just want to get my CD and Beth's crap. And he says, no, I can't see you anymore, I thought we already made that clear.

Fucking A! As if that piece of shit has any right to be upset with anyone, he has been nothing but sickening completely through that whole night and completely through that whole phone call. The first night that shit started to go down, I talked to him for over an hour, knowing that were the situation reversed, and I found out about my boy spending an hour talking to an ex about their shit and dealing with the fact that they haven't talked in months and with one of the parties crying because the other party didn't believe her, with occurances of the words, "if you ever cared about me, then..." then of course I would feel ill. I thought about that for a second and did feel ill. I don't know why, then, it mattered at all to me that I not completely cut him off from my life. It could just be me being a unbalanced girl and wanting all the boys to still be in love with me. Maybe that's why I asked him whether or not he was in love with her. Because I know it wasn't because I have any feelings for him anymore. I knew that even before meeting nicholas; just having been with Mike for awhile, who I never made any claims to loving, made me realize that there was absolutely no love left between me and Karl, hardly any feelings left between us. But for awhile, I did miss the friendship, I guess.

Thinking that someone I cared about to that extent even could be as heartless as he is trying to be to me is fucking annoying. It's not upsetting, as it was to Beth at first, it just fucking pisses me off that guys can be such assholes to those who they used to claim to care about. I don't want to hate all the people that I've ever loved. I don't want them to all act like complete fucks as soon as they're given the chance. I don't want to give them the chance.

***

nicholas, love, I know you'll probably read this at some point. Don't let it let you forget for a single second that I love you more than anything, that I am happier than anything that you are there for me and that I'll be with you and away from all of this so soon. Hopefully, by the time you are reading this, I'll be with you, in your arms, and you won't be able to doubt for a second how much I feel for you or worry for even a moment that the upsettedness that I got over this shit means much of anything except that I get bothered by people who try to piss me off.

You are the besty. I love you for it.

***

Goodness, I'm glad to have gotten some of that out. Maybe back to normal over there? Nevertheless, goodnight, now.