10.52am.

Tonight I get to see Songs: Ohia at last, and they are not even Songs: Ohia
anymore.  And I have no idea whether they will be able to live up to my
expectations.  And I will miss Elena.  Especially if they play How to Be Perfect
Men.  Especially always, to be honest.

***

I don't think I'm so good at the in-between state in relationships--after
starting to hang out but before declaring unending love.  Well, I'm not good at
the after declaring unending love either, if I am to be straightforward with
myself.  Maybe I should just decide to be a free-loving unattached girl for the
rest of my life, because I have and bring the most joy there.  

I am far too in love with the feeling of ecstasy you get when you tell someone
you like them like crazy and they obviously get massive amounts of pleasure from
it.  It is a compliment to you when they are so happy that you like them.

Bleah. 

I am such a stupid self-obsessed egoist.  In a whiny way, as opposed to the
strong and impassive way.

But I really do not know what do to.  

When Brian first broke up with Tally I said vague things about not wanting to be
in a "relationship;" Elise told me that even if I did, I would be inclined to
fuck it up in my current mindset.  But the fact of the matter is, despite not
wanting to define anything, I did/do want to see Brian as much as is humanly
possible.  I enjoy his company massively, and have become accustomed to having
it around so much so that I do feel inexplicably restless when it is not.

My hands are so cold.

One of the most fabulous things about Brian is his unbelievable niceness and the
fact that I cannot imagine things ever having a horrible dramatic ending between
us.  And I cannot imagine him being mean to me, which is an assurance I need so
badly right now.  

Part of the reason you are NOT SUPPOSED TO get involved with someone so shortly
after a giant break-up is the fact that you hardly refrain from thinking about
break-ups.  How is that for the start of a relationship?  My mindset is so
fixated on BOYS and RELATIONSHIPS and IT IS DRIVING ME PSYCHO.

Maybe this is why I should spend time in my life not with the b-dawg.

But it is with him that I feel most satisfied with life.

***

(And eeeeahhhhhehhhehhhhaaaaaa, sooooo most satisfied with my sex life.  GOD.)

***

I am not a fan of the harsh grey of December.  Light breezy grey days are nice,
and slick, melancholy grey days with traces of gooey humidity make me soft and
contemplative, and make my wispy bits of hair curl into tendrils.  But harsh
Decemeber grey just makes my hands cold and my body need to curl up into a ball
and my mind need to turn off, wrapped in a downy blanket.

***

Reading currently:

Lolita, Vladimir Nabakov.  Close to completion.  What a horribly distressing and
unbelievably intriguing mix of empathy and hatred I have for Humbert Humbert.
The language is staggeringly gorgeous at times.  And staggeringly displeasing
sometimes as well.

Read bits and pieces of recently:

Running Linux, O'Reilly.  I totally *should* know most of this, but I don't, but
I'm working on it.

Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, JKR, my goddess.  Just picked up a new
copy of this the other day and cannot resist going back into that world and
remembering the first time.  :)

Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster.  Loaned to Brian, picked it up to occupy
myself last Sunday afternoon as he was playing Tony Hawk.

Dude, Where's My Country?, Michael Moore.  I love Michael Moore.  I want
everyone in the world to see how right he is in his ATTITUDES and PERSPECTIVES,
even if he exaggerates and rubs things in people's faces in a way they don't
agree with.  But it is so frustrating to see him continue to do things that
DON'T persuade people, but just piss them off and set them against him.  People
NEED things rubbed in their fucking faces, I know, so I don't know what I'm
advocating.  I just wish people would stop being so stupid.  I get the stupidity
rubbed in my face far too much, as I read the Christian RIGHT of .flame and the
constant dicking around about whether HOMOSEXUALITY is a CHOICE, etc., etc., and
about war.  Which I cannot listen to, and yet I return to again and again and
again.

All the Rave: The Rise and Fall of Shawn Fanning's Napster.  This is so sad to
me, especially with the highlight of my freshman year having recently been
turned into a commercial for Roxio MP3 players.