Goofin' off at the hotel again tomorrow, perhaps I should go to sleep soon. Thought I hadn't visited my place here for awhile. Once I have red wine in me it seems like ever such the good idea, and so: here I am.

***

A strange night. But any strange nights in which I get to go swimming in midnight ocean water please me. The phospherescence in the water at the Tybee Beach is one of my favorite things in the world. I could've watched it forever if it wasn't for the rampant talk of shark attacks. I mocked their cowardice by swinging my arms far from my body while they held onto theirs tightly. Kevin said holding his arms was not sufficient, that he needed to get his legs closer to the middle of his body and farther from the sharks. Brain damage is such a scary thing when it involves your arm in a shark's stomach, but then we eagerly signed up for it at Beth's house with the bananas and rum game.

***

I had the weirdest emotional break-down last night. I just really hate it when people don't call me back, esp. after I've already opened myself up by leaving really pathetic messages on their phones (i.e. "Um. Do you hate me? Why haven't you called me to let me know Brandon's in town? I am sad. <click>") Add to that the fact that I know for a fact that someone's been telling lies about me, possibly to my friends, that they are possibly believing without even talking to me about it, and I just get pissed off. Of course. I can never act pissed off when I am. I just start freakin' crying. Elena shouldn't have been worried I was going to be bitching anyone out. I don't know if I've ever done that to anyone. The closest thing was once when a girl came to me second-hand about one of my friends, telling me that this girl missed me (we hadn't talked in about a week, on account of the fact that she was desiring to be close friends with an ex of mine that I irrationally hated at this point in time) and said, "You don't want to make her pick between you, who she wants to be friends with, do you?" And I said, "Nope, I'm fine, made the decision for her. I don't need to deal with her crap anymore."

How pathetic that I've never bitched anyone out to their face.

Come to think of it, I've never really even said anything intentionally hurtful to just about anyone. Even people that I violently dislike, I still act polite to. I said something mean to a girl in middle school once (I'm not even going to say what, because I'm still embarrassed about how bratty and condescending it was), and I've probably said mean things to my mom in fits of yelling. A few times I did some mean things, in apathy, but even then I pretended to be perfectly fine in my speech, and if upset at all, certainly not because the other person had done anything I could fault them for.

Not to their face anyway.

Thinking about this is making me feel terribly two-faced. But what am I supposed to do at this point? Call back all the people I think are wastes of matter or have offended me personally and let them know? "I'm sorry I acted like I liked you at that party, I just didn't want to have to tell you that I find you monumentally assholish to your face." "I'm just calling to let you know that the truth is, every time I talked to you through all of high school, I was seething with contempt just below the surface. I just thought you should know." "I'm not going to smile and act like I'm glad to see you this time, please. I never talked to you once because of any desire to do so, so why act like I'm glad to see you now?" "I think you're a horrible person in many ways. Strange that we're still acting as if we're old pals, eh?"

***

Secret thoughts are easy to get out when they're just bitchy and whiny though, eh?

***

So let me say: 'twas a strange night. But a strange night that involves smells that remind me of my boy is pleasing.