4.51pm
Wednesday
27 April 2005
You taught me a lesson
I didn't want to learn
I long for, I long for
I long for my home
I long for a land where
No man was ever known
With no neuroses
No psychoses
--PJ Harvey, The Darker Days of Me & Him
Am in a very conflicted state right now, of not wanting to waste a single moment of any day, and wanting to really get the majority that is possible out of life, but dealing with the reality that most of the time I am only getting (the very fun and awesome) short-term appreciation out of it, and leaving myself little time to devote to the bigger cravings.
I suppose I need to take a career/soul-oriented vacation from my recreational life for a little while, but when my short attention span has been so long amply rewarded and fulfilled, I worry that I will be unproductive and just waver back into unsatisfied goal-related depression.
I guess my main insecurity is not that I'll never get motivated enough, which is what I like to pretend, but that I'll never get good enough at something to be motivated. For me, they (talent and motivation) are tightly correlated, and I know that if I ever develop the confidence in my professional skills that I have in other, more frou-frou areas, I will dominate the motivation arena.
I think.
Honestly, now I'm just evaluating the extent of my insecurities in all those other goofy areas. Extreme self-confidence is such a fickle bitch.
• × • × • × •
Straightening priorities: number 1) where am I going to be habitating in August? which correlates to some degree to number 2) what are my immediate agendas regarding schooling and why?
The first question is highly flawed by the standard practice of year-long leases, because I am pretty sure I cannot handle signing one that would attempt to keep me here in Atlanta into 2006. But I need to hurry up and determine what method will allow me to leave.
The second question has a few easy answers: NEED A RETURN OF REGIMENTED CLASSES PLEASE. NEED GRADUATE DEGREE PLEASE. The flaw in these desires is related to my uncertain ties to the field of Computer Science. Of course I still love it, but there has yet to be any particulars that incite a single-driven passion that I envision for grad school. Can I just start a professional life of schooling? I need to take a year of French, I think, if I want to ease into Paris with the ability to take it by storm; I need millions more history and math classes, and at least one more GOOD feminist professor, though if he or she were to teach computer science instead of gender studies or sociology, so much the better.
I suppose these grandiose plans would be better suited to my re-entering the undergraduate program and getting a second and more liberal degree, but I have a phobia so horrific of being forced to undergo high school for a second time, that I do not think I can even contemplate such a fate.