2.24pm
Thursday
23 June 2005
Had a really nice day yesterday, with a long cozy session of making pretty things with cool girls at the end of it. Came upon two somewhat affirmations that despite coming non sequitur while I was driving were extraordinarily relieving to remember.
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I chose computers in the first place because at the time, I could think of nothing else that was purely about being intelligent. Of course all white collar jobs that fill most people's day-to-days now are more about brainwork than about anything manual, but there is a huge amount of social interaction and a huge amount of importance placed upon it that is so much higher in almost every other occupation, while someone can absolutely excel at programming and no one will think it is based on their stellar social skills.
Recent problems: Though I'm perfectly competent, I don't excel at computing, and am not certain I ever will. The last six or eight months have resulted in a huge intake of literary and artistic concerns, and even moreso, plenty of socialization. It makes my mouth water for the opportunity to find out that I really excel at something. I recall my first career fair as a bright-eyed freshman CS major, I talked to a few guys who ran a startup here in Atlanta for a long while, and clicked with them. Eventually one of them asked me about what lured me into CS, disguising it with a flirtatious compliment about how I was much more personable than any of the others they had talked to. And I was flattered. I was so reclusive in high school that I was pretty contemptuous towards those who were always graceful and in control of interactions with people. I don't think I was incapable so much as lacking in any desire to develop my socialization with butterflies.
As of late, that compliment has recurred in my thoughts: maybe I am too good at being a well-rounded person to waste it away in a job that is, in many ways, a way to hide from other people, and reside in your own head for hours at a time. And more than that, maybe I've become more like those flighty girls in school who were there entirely for having fun with their friends and flirting with boys: developing their nascent "networking" skills. (Have I even come close to capturing the disdain I posess for that genre of "skills?") Maybe those guys weren't saying you're so cute and fun, why would you WANT to hide behind a computer, but instead, you are so giggly and distractible, surely you can't be good at intellectual pursuits?
This is a serpentine way of saying that last night I remembered why I was attracted to computer science in the first place, and I still love the idea of being good at using my brain in such a uncontaminated way.
It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
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This one's a bit simpler, but I'm pretty sure that it is massively important for me. The main reason I've been down lately is that I've been determined to locate CHANGE and it has required me to decide what in my life I'm not 100% happy with. I desperately miss being in love but am resolutely almost impossible to start any kind of romantic relationship with, due to what has become a malignant phobia of hurting people combined with a staunch refusal to put up with anything I don't like; I would class my living situation as intermittently near hellish; WHY AM I TRYING TO THINK OF MORE SHIT TO ADD TO THIS LIST, SHEESH.
Obviously, that was stupid and unproductive, as the whole point of my recognized affirmation was that I'm incredibly malleable and easily persuadable by the slightest influence. It's relatively easy for me to be happy because it's so easy to convince me of anything, and once I get in the mindset "I should be happy," it's not hard. But when I'm in this determination to change, and not only change, but change for the better, I'm constantly focused on why I shouldn't be happy with what I have.
I think it's really hard sometimes for people to convince themselves they have the right to be happy with what they have; are you being lazy by ignoring the constant ambitious drive for "success?" I look over the two years since I've been out of school, and am absolutely psyched that I've had the pleasure of working at a place I enjoy and that I've been able to do an exorbitant amount of fun things. But by being so self-satisfied, I feel like I haven't made a ton of quantifiable progress.
But now I am working on that. So I should realize that it's going to be depressing and frustrating at times, but remember that I am more capable of making myself happy and having fun than almost anyone I know. It is why I was so easily distracted from the pursuit of quantifiable success.