1.36am
Friday
6 May 2005

It is rare that I feel so completely out of place and bored and unsatisfied. I saw a good movie the other night, I just took a lovely hot hot bath, I'm reading a great book, my hair looks fabulous, I got a new pair of shoes yesterday, I'm doing better at work than I have been in a while and I'm making real progress toward grad school applications and feeling incredibly nervous about it, but have had a few wonderful reassurances that I can do whatever I want.

But I am teeming with jealousy at people in the world who are incredibly successful and people who are incredibly well off despite not being productive themselves at all.

And I am boiling over with frustration at the people around me for not being more... DEMANDING of the world.

...

I get in this idealistic crap somewhat regularly these days, and I don't know if it is good for me or not. I am not as happy as I have been in the last year or so, and I find myself becoming a little lonesome for any kind of intimacy, but too particular about it to actually let anyone in.

• × • × • × •

Grrrrarrr. One boy does lure me to let him in, but I CAN'T REALLY because he lives far far away.

• × • × • × •

Well, I just stayed up another hour, reading about graduate schools and thinking about my options, considering my lackluster performance as an undergrad, and have reinvigorated myself a bit with my lofty dreams. They are like drugs; I need them to keep me going, even though they are the very thing that makes me insecure and depressive.

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