3.27pm
Wednesday
11 May 2005
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
Reasons to apply to graduate schools:
I am pretty much in love with the idea of having people
call me Dr. How bad is it that I think that could be my
favorite reason?
I'm good at school, and should have something more than the
standard college diploma to show for it, I think. This is a
poor reason as well, as I know that I don't need to show off my
accomplishments to be happy, but I think it is more a matter of
demonstrating it to myself than it is to anyone else.
I'm good at the application process; I spent so many hours
and hours—the vast majority of my waking ones that weren't
absorbed by rolling my eyes at the general high school
population—in the deliberation of college applications
during my junior and senior years, and then I ended up going to
GT, whose application took me a good 15 minutes or so.
I have the opportunity to do something I know I would
enjoy, and I think would likely lead to a more satisfying life
as a whole, so I would be stupid not to take advantage of it,
when some people have a much harder and longer struggle just
for the chance to spend years learning.
It would give me an opportunity to take a summer or three
in Europe with the help of student loans.
I still have some sadness that I didn't take the initiative
to get to know many of my professors very well, especially
considering that there were a few whose lives and work
enormously impressed me. It makes me ecstatic to think that
incredible people might be interested in helping me find my
potential to be incredible myself. Perhaps it involves the
intractable goal of getting my Ph.D., and perhaps it involves
discovering another dream through college, but I feel like my
goals are almost all centered around the process of discovery
that is embodied in learning.
Reasons to do something else:
I might not get accepted.
I might not have the current levels of motivation I do for
very long and/or I get discouraged too easily. But perhaps not
discouraged in a long-term sense; I am pretty stubborn once I
am certain of what I want.
I am so ambivalent about what I want to do with my life, I
don't know if I can stick with one dream for long enough. See
previous entry, re: absurd amounts
of interest in every aspect of the world lately.
If I get a Masters and not a Ph.D., I'm going to feel like
a quitter, at least a little bit, even though an M.S. probably
suits my disposition and desires a little better? I cannot see
from here whether or not I have the drive/criteria/good luck to
succeed in a Ph.D. program, but I definitely have the blind
desire.
Yeah. I realize that all the reasons not to apply/go have
to do with a fear of failure, and I find that absolutely not a
valid reason. I am going to bite the bullet. And not think
about the reason I forgot up there, which is that school is
expensive, especially up in NYC. Anyone in the market for an
iBook or a closet full of crazy clothes or maybe a Volvo in the
next year?
• × • × • × •
My Dove chocolate just told me to "Go easy on yourself."
But I've done that for years now! I haven't had a serious
demand for my brain in ages. Maybe they actually meant: Go
easy on the chocolate, missy. Even though we are financially
pleased by your addiction and repetition, it can't be good for
your health to consistently get through the afternoon fueled by
sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar
• × • × • × •
I adore Norah Jones lately. Why do people get all uppity
and think their esoteric music is better than a perfect
velvety voice?
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