mmmarilyn;

a big-city fairy tale.

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{a photo project, 2006}

late late saturday night, october 29, 2006.

It seemed to me then that Lucille would busy herself forever, nudging, pushing, coaxing, as if she could supply the will I lacked, to pull myself into some seemly shape and slip across the wide frontiers into that other world, where it seemed to me then I could never wish to go. For it seemed to me that nothing I had lost, or might lose, could be found there, or, to put it another way, it seemed that something I had lost might be found in Sophie's house.

more by Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping

3.48am

my room which is coated in mathematical calculations

I am very worried about my midterms.

The only soothing thought now is how certain I was in the first few weeks of this semester that I was going to fail both of these classes, and how I was able to repeat in my head like a mantra: no one will stop loving me; no one will die if I fail a class; it would not be the end of the world.

Now I have higher expectations, and much more working knowledge, thank christ, but it is still nice to remember. It is what will allow me to go to sleep and hopefully not stress for a moment. Fun things will have to wait, because I cannot turn off the freakout if my brain is awake.

Sweet luck means that there are fun things on the horizon for a good while ahead now. I made a list of things I needed to remember to get when I go home for Thanksgiving in a month. The first item on the list: love.

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