mmmarilyn;

a big-city fairy tale.

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29 april 2007; sunday.

9:43:31am

at my desk at this hour?

I've been fantasizing a lot lately (no not like that) probably because my brain can't resist but steal me away from my work, even if I don't let my body leave the tactile range of this laptop. For the most part, I'm rather terribly excited about the future. I suppose this is the fate of those in degree programs they deem challenging, time-consuming, hopefully worthwhile: the days afterward will be greater because of the pain I'm going through now. They better be, man.

It leads me to ridiculous websearches, completely unrelated to the work at hand. I fantasize about cooking and recipes ("mango salsa," "fougasse," "ice nyc cooking school", "chili de arbol"), I make far-flung future plans for tequila and beaches ("vacation mexico," "site: kottke.org mexico"), I dream about one day having a house--a HOUSE?!--with my tall fella, and an amazingly gourmet-implement-attired kitchen and important business conducted in an impeccably decorated, sparse and clean room with two huge desks ("home office tax deduction"), and, though the crazed and panicked mania that surrounds the end of the semester may not be the best environment for it, I dream of what kind of work that may be. Planning lectures or lessons for budding young computer scientists? Planning research paths or planning a company that I can obsess over (and stress over) or programming up a storm? A storm of (and for) fun or profit?

This is so absurd, I cannot even tell you, particularly given the discouraging nature of my end-of-semester pessimism. I've got panic attacks when I start "fantasizing" about the next week or so, though, so sometimes you need a little escapism to go with that.

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