That is the cruel, wild magic of owls.
Susanna Clarke, The Ladies of Grace Adieu
22:22:38
myroom
Even while I complain about being buried by my to do list and refuse invitations and feel as if I'm constantly working, I realize that I am not working all the time and I am repeatedly skipping out on things. I accidentally missed a class on Friday, didn't go to work today, forgot about a workshop I signed up for about teaching science yesterday, didn't make it to a Peace Corps info session I planned on visiting tonight, or to meet a friend in town from France, or leave my apartment or really my room almost all day today.
This seems a bad thing, probably.
I do feel a little sick (sore throat, sensitive stomach), so maybe it is not a sign of debilitating depression. Why must it be so bitterly cold and additionally get dark before I can muster the courage to get out of bed?
And thus, a Thanksgiving exercise, things I'm grateful for:
- My family and friends. This is so huge it could take up dozens of items itself. My sweet and loving mom, my hilarious and devoted dad, my awesome and smart little bro. Bo (who still makes me smile and laugh and even swoon a little sometimes) and his entire wonderful family who I love like crazy. All my bestest friends back in Atlanta, Athens, all over the planet who still treat me like I'm part of the crew even though I only get to see them unfortunately rarely these days. The couple of people here in NY who make me remember to stop a second and breathe. And maybe have some fun, too.
- This city. One would think I would resent it by now, the enormous effort it requires every day, the distance it keeps me from the majority of people just enumerated, the fast-paced lifestyle it forces upon us all until we want to quit everything. But it remains full of promise and beauty. Riding the train back from Brooklyn on a Sunday afternoon, not understanding why no one else looks up in delight as we rise above ground and cross the East River.
- My passion for ideas, things, people, the entire goddamn world. This one also frustrates me at times: as I try to decide my most intense research aspirations to list on PhD applications and realilze that I still could get excited about (and it's still hard to pick among) any number of diverse and disparate ideas. But when I think about having kids, teaching kids, being so uncertain of my own knowledge worth teaching or my ability to convey it, the one thing that gives me energy is the thought that I could pass on that energy and excitement about the world.
- Food. This one's simple, but sheesh is it one thing that can cheer me up. Is there anyone I haven't told yet about these amazing tarts I made last weekend/am making for Thanksgiving? Is it crazy that a piece of chocolate or a bowl of soup can turn around my mood like a switch?
- The holidays. 1) I get lots of the first item and the last one I just mentioned. 2) I get to travel, which I love systematically. Not the logistics of traveling, but the simple act of being in one place and then being in a completely different place. I guess that's part of why I love NY so much, you get that feeling from block to block. 3) OMG no school for weeks.